My Spiritual Story

           My spiritual story:  it sounds odd in a way.  Yes, I suppose that I must own it, as it is mine; but I can’t help mulling over the fact that all of our stories seem to connect in an inexplicable way.  I think that this is God telling us that we are never meant to truly be alone.  We are communal.  I hope that, in my story, you find an aspect of yourself or, even better, you see God’s grace in my story which will further prompt you to see Him in your own.  To God be the glory.

Childhood

            To say that I was shy as a child would be an understatement.  In the places where I was out of my element (so…everywhere but my house), I would begin to hysterically cry or become frozen in terror.  To my young mind, security was everything.  This meant that I was essentially a home body, completely comfortable only with my immediate family.  As the youngest child and the only girl, I strove to emulate my two older brothers by doing everything that they did:  exploring outside, playing video games, talking about Pokémon, and going to church and Sunday School every Sunday.  I actively took part in all of the crafts and loved listening to the Bible stories that the teacher would read and my dad would read to me every night before I went to bed.  To me, these stories symbolized quality, safe time with people who I knew and respected and were just stories.  Like I said earlier, my family was everything to me.  They, essentially, were the ones that pointed me towards God.  Childhood was a time of me learning all about God and really never truly understanding or taking ownership of this faith. 

            The first time that I really thought about giving my life and everything up for the Gospel occurred when I was ten years old.  My parents told me that my uncle and aunt and their five daughters had decided to move to Bolivia to minister to the orphaned children and spread God’s love.  This was the first time that I really recognized that there was a world outside of my circle of family, friends, and church.  From these family members’ voluntary move to another country, it made me curious about a God who had enough power to influence people to give up their safe and secure life and go to do His work.  From this one instance and many more, my passion for international work and awareness began.

Adolescence

            As I entered Middle School, I quickly discovered two things about myself.  The first was that I was a pretty good student, almost to the point of obsession.  I would spend hours doing homework and triple checking my work to see if it was correct.  If I didn’t get something right away, I was very hard on myself.  The other thing that I discovered was that I didn’t like myself very much.  I was insecure and would constantly compare myself to the other people in my class and find that I always somehow came up short.  But, God was faithful in that time.  He provided me with a group of friends which kept me sane throughout middle school, high school, and even today.  We were all so different and didn’t really know where we fit into the ruthlessness of public school.  I think that that is what kept us all as a group for so long.

            But, when I was away from the support system of friends and finally got through the busyness of being the perfect student, I would crawl into bed and cry night after night.  Although I had the security of my family and friends and even schoolwork, I would still feel alone.  Usually, I would blame this season of “moppyness” and depression as your typical hormones, but I really feel like it was God pursuing me in the loneliness that I had chosen.  As I would sit in bed, I would contemplate my salvation and death, sometimes longing for death in an unhealthy way.

            One night, I was just so sick of the life that I had been living and the loneliness that I was imposing upon myself.  I went downstairs and found my mom in the living room.  This in itself was unusual because my mother usually goes to bed at quite an early hour.  As I stood in the doorway, I was faced with a choice:  would I walk in and begin this step to change my life?  Or would I simply go back upstairs and try to figure life out for myself?  Needless to say, God gave me the courage to go to my mother and ask her to pray with me and accept the Holy Spirit to reside in me and give me a heart of flesh instead of a heart of stone.  Because of this experience, God has blessed me with an open and honest relationship with my parents, specifically my mom; something that I hear is rare when one has pre-teen and teenage daughters.  All at once, I felt this peace come upon me; this flitting feeling that I had been looking for.  However, it is important to realize that this feeling, at least in the way that I wanted it, was something that was temporary.

            After I had this “conversion experience,” I went through a period of bliss.  Everything was possible because of this relationship with God.  Then, reality happened.  The feeling of peace and assurance slowly went away, replaced again by feelings of insecurity and panic as the busyness of life started to set in.  School was getting more difficult, and I was beginning to feel the pressure of living up to the roles that my two brothers had played – they were both really smart and generally popular and I felt that I had to even raise the standard.  I then went through this phase of feeling alone again and then going to a middle school youth group or event that asked students if they wanted to give their lives to Christ or reaffirm their faith.  Every time that this would happen, I would always raise my hand and reaffirm my faith.  Looking back now, I guess I would say that I had some assurance issues.  Again, after reaffirming my faith, I would feel this sense of peace; then it would “leave” a short while later.  These assurance issues still come and go even now at times; I think that it is because I long to feel like I am in a relationship with God and still haven’t quite figured out how to really enter in.  Any thoughts or advice on this would be wonderful!

            As I entered high school, I was thrust into an environment that wasn’t familiar.  Once again, I was a very small fish in a relatively large, public school pond.  Amazingly, I adjusted relatively well for a person who really didn’t like change and still felt insecure.  Then, two things happened relatively around the same time.  The first was that a person that I respected and was a leader stumbled in his life.  The ensuing chaos in my community made me realize the power of sin and the destructive path that it can take.  The second, and more important event in my spiritual walk, was the death one of the friends that my brothers and I had grown up with.  This young man was only twenty years old when he died.  It was during that time that I really began to wrestle with God; it was then when I really knew it was alright to ask God the big questions of life as I watched a family that I was close to being torn apart by grief and their own questions.  One of the first places that I remember going to when I got my license was to this young man’s grave.  I sat there in that cemetery and really engaged in the discipline of meditation…my professor of this course would be so dang proud!  Eventually, I began to let the bitter thought and angry phrases to God go, replacing them with the small assurances that God was listening and that I could trust Him.  I’d have to say that it was during this time when I really chose to be “all in” for God.  Later that year, I made profession of faith and really felt like an active participant in the Body of Christ.

Young Adulthood

            In my spiritual journey, it seems like just as I feel confident of my faith in God, something comes along to keep me very humble and broken, crying out to God.  This cycle has been really evident to me throughout the years that I have spent in college.  College has been a huge blessing to me in seeing evidence of God’s faithfulness throughout the classes that I have taken and the wonderful testimonies from the people that I have met.  However, college has also pointed out some major issues that I face in my own life.  For example, I have always been a person that has liked to know exactly what is going on.  In short, I liked to be in control of my life.  When I don’t feel in control, I struggle with almost crippling amounts of anxiety.  This semester especially, God has pointed out this weakness in myself and has sent me different people and situations to show that He is actually the One in control.

            As I look back on my life, it is so easy to dwell on all of the failures and mistakes that I have made in my walk with Christ.  However, Paul tells us in Romans 3 that there is righteousness from God that “comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”  If that doesn’t sound beautiful, what does?

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Hunger Pangs…Finding Joy in Fasting

           From the snappy title above (yes…it did take me a long time to think of the title), I’m sure that people have realized that this week’s discipline was about the art of fasting.  After reading the chapter on fasting, I realized that this is something that would probably be “easier” to do than the other disciplines that I have been practicing as a result of taking the class of Spiritual Formation.  It should be “easy” in the fact that I would be reminded constantly while I was fasting to be engaged in thoughts of God.  It turns out that fasting is more difficult than I thought it would be.

            For those of you who do not really have a clear understanding of what the definition and purpose of fasting is don’t worry.  You are in wonderful company with me!  At the start of this exercise, and even now as I write this blog, I really had no idea why I would allow myself to take a break from anything, much less the sustenance that I need to get me through my day.  Fasting, according to Scripture, is defined as “abstaining from all food” with “spiritual purposes” always in mind (49).  Usually, fasting is a personal choice in order to develop a closer relationship between the person fasting and God.  However, fasting can also include group fasts (50).  For this week, I chose to do a personal fast which would last for a little over twenty four hours.  This meant that I would miss a total of three meals by choice, something that I had never really done before.

You know...just craving a burger.

            After eating lunch on Sunday, I set off to do the work that had been neglected due to a class trip.  As the hours passed by, I found myself constantly thinking about snacking and seriously considering stopping the fast and purposefully failing this assignment.  I know, pathetic right?  But, come on, who doesn’t want to pig out while they are working on homework?!?  Don’t judge me!  All in all, the first night was rough.  Instead of going to dinner, I steadily worked through, not even stopping to consider the fact that I told myself that I would use the times that I was hungry to pray and spend time in the Word.  Right before bed, it hit me that I was going about fasting in the incorrect way.  I was not meant to use this time to get ahead in my work; I was meant to spend this time in conversation with God and in reflection and meditation.

            The next morning, I made a promise to myself that I would spend the time that I would usually eat breakfast and lunch in prayer and devotions.  As the day crept by, I found myself, like the day before, constantly thinking about food and worrying about my growling stomach throughout class.  I also found that I became tired easily.  However, I also looked forward to taking a time out of my busy Monday and refocusing on God.  When lunch time rolled around, I fought the crowd going to lunch and instead went up to my dorm room and spent time in prayer, praise, and devotions.  Although this time didn’t make the hunger pangs go away, I liked the constant reminders to say small prayers to God and feel refreshed, not by the food that I was consuming, but by the Word of God.

            As I meditated over my time of fasting, I realized that my time of fasting had consequences that I hadn’t really thought about.  Skipping lunch to spend time with God had the consequence of me not being able to practice intentional community with the people that I attend college with.  You see, meal times are a very important part of being here at Kuyper.  It is where all of the students, staff, and faculty really get to know one another and memories are made.  However, I had to remove myself from that atmosphere, although it is one that I love, in order to really connect with God and gain the energy to continue with my day. 

            When I first began to think about fasting, I was a little bit nervous because I had never really thought about it or tried to fast before.  However, it actually taught me that many things can be given up in order for God to connect with His children.  God used the time that I had set apart to really focus on Him and find joy in His word and love for me.

              

 

“Greater, Deeper, Truer Prayer”

           This past week has been an exercise in prayer.  When I first heard that prayer was the discipline for this week, I was ecstatic.  I was hoping to dig deeper into my own spiritual life and find out what true prayer looks like.  As I had grown, I thought, in my knowledge of doctrine and theology, I felt like it had gotten consistently more difficult to pray with the child-like faith that Jesus calls believers to in the New Testament.  Was I just overthinking this discipline, as I am often prone to do?

            According to Foster, “the discipline of prayer brings us into the deepest and highest work of the human spirit” and is “the central avenue God uses to transform us” (33).  So far, so good.  I totally believe that stuff!  Foster then goes on to say that “listening to God is the necessary prelude to intercession” (39).  Gulp.  Oops, sorry God.  I really haven’t been listening to You.

            It was with this conviction that I set two goals for my prayer life this week.  The first was to set aside small amounts of time in my day to listen for God’s guidance for my life or other people’s lives.  If a person or worry would pop into my head, I would take time and pray for them, trusting that God had led me to this thought.  The second goal was to practice “flash prayers” as I noticed the people around me.  This exercise involved being intentional as I went about my day, concentrating on other people as much as I concentrate about myself and all of the things that I have to do.

            As I began to have this quiet time with God a couple of times a day, I noticed something about myself.  Sometimes, I am an insecure pray-er.  I will attempt to listen to God, but my mind will immediately begin to fill with the most random of thoughts, steering my concentration away from the time that I was setting aside to listen for God’s will and guidance.  Frustrated with myself, I would give up and then try to come back a little while later for quiet time.  Then, the same thing would happen. 

            However, I also had the opposite happen while I was having this quiet time to listen to God.  It only occurred a couple of times out of the multiple times that I tried it, but God would sometimes put on my heart a person or a worry that I had not laid at the feet of God.  I would then sit and reflect about that person or worry in my life, asking God to take the issue into His hands. 

            The second exercise that I attempted throughout this week was the discipline of flash praying.  This worked out pretty well the first couple of days.  As I would pass people in the hall or on the sidewalk, I would really pay attention to the way that they would greet me or their body language.  I would then offer a quick prayer to God, asking Him to bring peace into the life of the person that I had just encountered.  Generally, I liked this way of prayer.  The only thing that I was confronted with when I would quickly “flash” this prayer to God was the fact that I wasn’t really taking the time to seek God’s will in the prayer.  I was reverting back to my old method of simply praying and not truly listening to God.

            More often than not this week, I wished for a monastic lifestyle, a lifestyle that was structured with work and prayer.  Foster says in his book that prayer is to be the most important aspect of one’s life.  Is it the most important aspect of mine?  Often, I would have to say that I do not uphold prayer in my day to day activities.  But, before I become too morose and hard on myself, I keep reminding myself that prayer is a learning experience, and that God does not judge me on how eloquently or well I pray.  Instead, I am to keep on persevering and taking time throughout my day to let prayer permeate – this gives me hope to continue to refine the discipline of prayer in my own life.

Finding Peace in Meditation

It is no accident that my lovely professor assigned the discipline of meditation to be done the week before midterm exams.  I mean, what better way when you are freaking out over assignments, papers, and study guides to simply go off into a secluded area and think for extended amounts of time about life and God?  This assignment – no matter how difficult it was to complete – has probably brought me the most peace yet this semester.

            The difficult thing about meditation for me is that I really didn’t know how to go about this discipline.  In class, we discussed how meditation was like a re-focusing of the soul that enables us to move beyond the superficialities of our days, weeks, and even culture to become connected once again with God.  Meditation is cutting out all of the potential stressors that keep us “too busy” to listen to God, and once again being brought back into His arms for a purposeful time of listening.  Now, this was all well and good, but I still didn’t really know what to do or how to act.  When my boyfriend mentioned something about his meditation, I asked question after question in order to better understand the way in which people can meditate and be in community with God.  At the end of this conversation, I realized that God doesn’t expect me to have the perfect actions of meditation.  Instead, He wanted me to come to Him just as I am.

            After that epiphany, I made the goals of being peaceful in daily activities and going outside and reflecting upon myself, God, and His creation.

            The goal of being peaceful in daily activities went well until today.  Today has been a hailstorm of activity with no time for my introverted self to just sit back and take a look around (us introverts are weird…don’t judge us!)  When I am stressed or harried, I get this feeling inside my stomach and a slight headache.  This feeling kept on coming and going all day as I raced from class, to work, to lunch which included a different work, to work (again), and now as I sit, reflecting upon my day and week to come with the homework and work that needs to be accomplished.  How is it that the busyness of life can just stop me in my tracks and keep me from seeking the Lord?  As I am writing this, I almost feel as if this time of blogging is a meditation of thought and crying out to God for the knowledge of priorities!

            Another goal that I had for this week was to physically remove myself from the places where I usually haunt and move elsewhere in order to experience God in a new way.  At some point during the weekend (I can’t even remember what day – yikes!), I put on an almost disgusting amount of winter wear and began to walk along the paths that are just outside of the dorms where I stay.  On one path, there was a tree that had fallen down.  As I sat on this fallen tree, it was apparent how utterly loud the forest can be.  However, all of the sudden, the woods would grow so still and quiet that it was almost eerie.  As I looked at the bright yellow leaves that had fallen to the ground, I was in awe of the ways in which God has and continues to redeem creation.  During the course of time that I sat there, I began to pray, “God, please be with me.”  Then I thought about this statement.  God was and is already with me.  It is I who has to be with Him.  I am the one who needs to get their priorities straight and be willing to be present with God. 

            All in all, this week has been very convicting to me.  I thank God that His grace abounds, and that I was blessed with peace.  I pray that now I will be able to continue to strive for this peace even in the midst of the business of this life. 

            So, peace be upon you, my friends, as we journey together.  God bless.     

 

Commitment to Confession…Wha?

            Well…this week’s spiritual discipline was about the purpose and execution of confession.  During this week, I was confronted with my motivations in confessing my sins and wrongdoings and trying to decipher the nature of confessing itself.  Growing up, I had always known that sins needed to be confessed to God and to others; however, I had never really thought about what confession actually meant.

            Meaningful confession – in a nutshell – is a constant examination of the conscience and naming the sin that is found, having a deep sorrow and regret for this sinful nature that is found, and then the determination to avoid sin and to be ruled once more by the Holy Spirit.  It is about recognizing that you are a cosmological liability (thanks for the term, Cain Taylor!) and moving beyond this to accept the grace and redemption that God offers.  To me, this sounded daunting.  I decided that, for this week, I would really examine myself and see what possible sins that I have committed that I needed to confess.  I decided that I would have to decide later if I needed to confess this sin publically.

            At first, I was confused.  I examined myself without seeing some huge, ugly sin that was waiting for me to confess it.  In my head, I felt fine.  I felt like I was being a good Christian.  Then I realized something.  I realized that I had been going through the motions of Christianity.  You know what I mean, my friends.  I had been going to church, actively reading my Bible, and actively praying.  However, I was stagnant spiritually.  This realization astounded me, even though I had been thinking about this idea for a while now.  Later, I attended a girl pow-wow.  If you don’t know what this is, let me enlighten you.  This is where a group of girls get together, sometimes scheduled, sometimes not, and talk about our lives and feelings.  In other words, REAL conversation takes place.  We talk – and sometimes laugh and sob – about our struggles and fears and then pray together at the end.  During this conversation, I spilled the beans about my stagnant spiritual life.  Instead of giving heap loads of advice or condemnation, these friends listened and were empathetic.

            When I went to bed, I felt like there had been a weight that had lifted off of me.  I knew that I did not have to pretend to be a saint when I know that I am a sinner.  However, the feeling of spiritual stagnancy still lingered like the smell of my shoes after I wear them all day (haha).  Then I realized something:  I had never really confessed my fears and thoughts to God.  I mean, I knew that He heard these thoughts, but I had never really purposefully confided to God.

            After confessing these thoughts to God, I can say that I am more aware of the joy that comes after confessing the sorrow of sin that is present in my life.  The examination of myself is still continuing, and I still feel a sense of stagnancy.  However, God has blessed me with joy as I fumble my way along this journey of following Him, even when my feelings are a little bit “off.”

            Blessings to you all as you search your own lives and discover the hardship and the joy of confession – a discipline that is daunting but, in the end, so good.