Commitment to Confession…Wha?

            Well…this week’s spiritual discipline was about the purpose and execution of confession.  During this week, I was confronted with my motivations in confessing my sins and wrongdoings and trying to decipher the nature of confessing itself.  Growing up, I had always known that sins needed to be confessed to God and to others; however, I had never really thought about what confession actually meant.

            Meaningful confession – in a nutshell – is a constant examination of the conscience and naming the sin that is found, having a deep sorrow and regret for this sinful nature that is found, and then the determination to avoid sin and to be ruled once more by the Holy Spirit.  It is about recognizing that you are a cosmological liability (thanks for the term, Cain Taylor!) and moving beyond this to accept the grace and redemption that God offers.  To me, this sounded daunting.  I decided that, for this week, I would really examine myself and see what possible sins that I have committed that I needed to confess.  I decided that I would have to decide later if I needed to confess this sin publically.

            At first, I was confused.  I examined myself without seeing some huge, ugly sin that was waiting for me to confess it.  In my head, I felt fine.  I felt like I was being a good Christian.  Then I realized something.  I realized that I had been going through the motions of Christianity.  You know what I mean, my friends.  I had been going to church, actively reading my Bible, and actively praying.  However, I was stagnant spiritually.  This realization astounded me, even though I had been thinking about this idea for a while now.  Later, I attended a girl pow-wow.  If you don’t know what this is, let me enlighten you.  This is where a group of girls get together, sometimes scheduled, sometimes not, and talk about our lives and feelings.  In other words, REAL conversation takes place.  We talk – and sometimes laugh and sob – about our struggles and fears and then pray together at the end.  During this conversation, I spilled the beans about my stagnant spiritual life.  Instead of giving heap loads of advice or condemnation, these friends listened and were empathetic.

            When I went to bed, I felt like there had been a weight that had lifted off of me.  I knew that I did not have to pretend to be a saint when I know that I am a sinner.  However, the feeling of spiritual stagnancy still lingered like the smell of my shoes after I wear them all day (haha).  Then I realized something:  I had never really confessed my fears and thoughts to God.  I mean, I knew that He heard these thoughts, but I had never really purposefully confided to God.

            After confessing these thoughts to God, I can say that I am more aware of the joy that comes after confessing the sorrow of sin that is present in my life.  The examination of myself is still continuing, and I still feel a sense of stagnancy.  However, God has blessed me with joy as I fumble my way along this journey of following Him, even when my feelings are a little bit “off.”

            Blessings to you all as you search your own lives and discover the hardship and the joy of confession – a discipline that is daunting but, in the end, so good.