A Semester Gone: Reflections of a Spiritually Disciplined (Sometimes) College Student

Hello, everyone!  As you can see by the title, this semester is coming to a close.  I can’t believe how fast it has gone.  It seems like just a couple of days ago when I was learning about the discipline of worship and thinking about how to participate fully!  This final blog post will be reflection about six different questions that will be included in the blog.  Thank you to those that have continued to read this throughout the entire semester (Thanks, Mom! - haha).  I hope that you benefited in some way and are challenged and encouraged to keep pressing forward in pursuing Christian spirituality.

1.  Foster says spiritual disciplines are not designed to be ends in themselves, but are intended to facilitate a person’s journey into greater freedom in living a Christ-like life.  How did your practice of the disciplines this semester (either some in particular or all together) help you grow in your faith in and obedience to God?

            This class on spiritual formation came at the exact right time.  About half-way through this semester, I hit a metaphorical wall, both mentally and spiritually.  This happened about the time that I was practicing the discipline of confession.  During this week stretch, it was all I could do to hold myself together without having an emotional breakdown.  I felt like God was far from me; looking back at it now, I feel like it was one of those instances that Foster calls “the dark night of the soul.”  It felt like I was trapped in a place where doubts and fears about Christianity and the future constantly tugged at my attention, making me highly emotional and even slightly bitter against God.  During that time, as I mentioned before, we were beginning to practice the discipline of confession.  It was then that I slowly realized that I had not been confessing the things that I was worried about to anyone but myself.  I had even been keeping these fears and bitter feelings from God, determined to deal with them on my own.  Isn’t it so funny how God can just use these instances to completely break you down and then build you back up again?  After actually confessing these worries and fears to God, I slowly began to feel like myself again, still broken, but functioning in a way that made me put my trust in Him.

            Generally, the practice of the disciplines this semester have really helped me grow in my faith and obedience to God.  As I go through my day, different instances help me remember something that I learned from practicing these disciplines, making me reflect and also continue to ponder new and different ways to continue to practice these disciplines.  Reading back through all of the posts prior to this one, made me see a pattern throughout each discipline that I was practicing.  After setting goals for myself, they would usually get thrown out the window and God would show me something that week that I didn’t really expect to experience.  God is full of surprises, giving me substance for each day which makes me dependent upon Him, even when I so want to rely on just myself.  These disciplines have taught me to look at myself critically when obeying God, causing me to examine my motives.

            All in all, these disciplines have put me into better communion with the Creator of the heavens and the earth.  I am more aware of Him and the world around me, willing to stop and look around before diving into the next task at hand. 

2.  What were some of the distractions or hindrances that kept you from practicing, or practicing to the fullest, the assigned disciplines this semester?  What does this show you about yourself?  How do you plan to address this area (or these areas) of struggle?

            As alluded to in the above question, I am somewhat of a control freak (that is why submission, even to God, is something that is a little bit difficult for me).  In all of the disciplines, I ran into many distractions that all had equal priority.  While practicing these disciplines, it seems like the workload for this semester tripled.  Every time a new discipline was assigned, there was always so much work for school that I could do.  This gave me an excuse to put the practice of the discipline off until later in the week.  True, I did think about the discipline a lot and even wanted to engage in the practices of the disciplines, but I also felt the tug of assignments and life in general, forcing me to choose one over the other.  I’m ashamed to admit that, usually, small assignments took precedence over practicing the spiritual discipline.

            When looking at the preceding paragraph, it makes me so thankful for the grace of God.  What a stubborn and, frankly, annoying human being I must be to Him.  In neglecting spending time to work on the formation of my spirituality, I chose meaningless acts that I don’t even remember right now.  Instead, I do remember with fondness actually thinking and practicing all of the disciplines this semester.  This shows me that my intentions are always good.  However, things usually fall by the wayside in my frantic struggle to get everything done well and on time.  What can I do about this?  Why do I convince myself that the small intricacies of my life are somehow more important than God?

            As I think about a possible plan of action to address this area of personal struggle in my life, I realize that a huge leap has already been made.  I think that half of the battle when you are struggling with something is to admit it to yourself and then admitting it to God.  A large part of this has been completed slowly throughout the semester.  However, there is still far to go from here.  As of right now, I don’t have a definitive plan.  I think it will involve me trying to loosen up a little bit and not be so serious about everything.  It will involve continuing to study God’s Word and being willing to let Him take over my life instead of fighting Him for control. 
  

3.  Identify three disciplines you think mesh together well and explain how you see them interrelating.  How would you plan to practice them together?

            Three disciplines that mesh really well together in my mind are simplicity, solitude, and submission.  Apart from their alliteration, which makes them a perfect match as well, they all begin by being an inward reality.  Simplicity is the act of reorienting our lives around God and being content.  This contentment will spring forth into an outward lifestyle, filled with the contentment and joy of the present without longing for more or the next desire.  Solitude has the purpose of setting aside time, not to just be alone, but to be alone with God in order to listen to Him and meditate on His word.  Submission is the act of complying to God’s will.  After doing that, submission will be prevalent in our outward lives as well. 

            These three disciplines are interrelated because, when practicing the disciplines of solitude and simplicity, submission will be evident in one’s life.  I would practice these three disciplines together by taking time to submit to God throughout my day.  This could include the rhythm of work and prayer.  By submitting myself to God and not to the trials of the day, I will be able to live in an inward simplicity, not being crippled by anxiety or pressures.  By being connected to God throughout the day after submitting and being in solitude, this will carry over into my actions with others, giving me a worldview that is broader. 

4.  Identify one discipline you would urge a new believer to practice.  How would you instruct them in the discipline?  Why do you think that discipline is especially well-suited to the formation of a new believer?

            If I had to choose one discipline that I would strongly urge a new believer to practice, I would ask this new believer to consider the power of the spiritual discipline of prayer.  Prayer is the gateway to all of the other spiritual disciplines that we have encountered this semester.  If any believer wants to live a Christian life, prayer is a necessity.  The discipline of prayer is also good for a new believer because it is a discipline that can be learned and practiced.  It allows us to come at whatever “level of spirituality” that we are at, and gives us a sense of confidence, hope, and assurance that God is listening and present in our lives.

            In order to instruct this new believer in prayer, I would begin by saying that God uses prayer to transform us.  I would go on to say that it is not something that is scary; instead, it invites us into a conversation with God.  To practice the spiritual discipline of prayer, I would invite this new believer to write down their prayers in a prayer journal or something like that.  I would also say that reading through the Bible, especially the Psalms, are a wonderful way to pray the words of the saints who have gone before.  Lastly, I would remind them that prayer is a conversation between ourselves and God.

5.  Spiritual disciplines fortify believers against some of the universal struggles and weaknesses all Christians have battled against.  Identify and describe an area of weakness you observe in the Kuyper College student population.  What spiritual discipline, if corporately practiced, would target this area of weakness and why?

            One of Kuyper Collage’s strengths that is broadcasted by almost every student, staff member, and faculty member is the idea of community.  We are a very close-knit group that is charitable towards people who are deemed as “different” (ourselves included).  However, on this campus I see the danger of this community.  Sometimes it feels like this community is centered more around academics – which, don’t get me wrong, is important – rather than God.  Also, we get so involved in each other’s lives that we don’t take time to be in community with God.  The spiritual discipline that should be corporately practiced that would target this area of weakness would be solitude.  It would be so nice to have a time where all of us go off by ourselves to connect with God.  In this way, our community won’t be filled with pointless squabbles or fruitless conversations but filled with the salt of the earth.  By getting away to commune with God and keeping this spirit of solitude inside, we will better be able to build each other up and act as God has commanded His people to act. 

6.  What advice would you give to the next class of spiritual formation students at Kuyper Collage who will be practicing these disciplines?

            For those of you who are going to be taking this class next semester, look out!  God is going to change you as you practice these disciplines and meditate on His Word.  It is important to know that God will work through you, breaking down your defenses and slowly building you back up into the man or woman of God that He wants you to be.  As for advice, I would say to try not to get caught up in the actual discipline itself, but be transformed by the results that the discipline offers.  Every discipline has its specific purpose and freedom.  Try to find this freedom.  With that freedom, there will be joy.  Also, be as honest as possible in the blogs (if you have to blog about your experience).  While reflecting and writing my blogs, I was surprised at just how much I learned over the past week, even if it didn’t seem like God was teaching me anything while actually practicing the discipline. 

          All in all, God has been good this semester.  I pray to continue to live a life full of spiritual discipline and knowledge of God.  It is only then that I will truly be free to follow God.  Freedom begets freedom.  Thank you, friends, for the wonderful journey.  It has been spiffy.

Submission

            Hello, everyone!  This is my last blog post regarding spiritual disciplines.  Sometime next week, there will be a reflection posted that encompasses my thoughts about this entire semester…so stay tuned for one last post!

            From the spiffy title of this post (I know…I’m lacking in the creative juices right now), this week has been a study and practice of the discipline of submission.  As I am finding from every other discipline, I realized as I studied submission that I truly didn’t know what it meant before this week.  In his book, Foster explains that the result of submission is freedom.  First, there is the freedom from having to get your own way all of the time.  I had never really thought of submission in this light.  To me submission was, and still is a little bit, a conscious way of thinking that involved being humble in all circumstances.  I hadn’t really thought of it like a freedom.  There is also the freedom to value other people.  In short, submission is in service to love.

            This week has been interesting in practicing the discipline of submission.  Honestly, thinking back, I don’t think that I really had a plan or mode of action to practice the discipline.  However, it was something that I would think about often and try to maintain a cheerful attitude while going about my day through the submission of school and work.  Even though I really didn’t have a plan, I did find that I practiced submission.

            One way in which submission was practiced was on Wednesday night.  As it was the last week of classes, I was (and still is) insanely busy.  However, a friend and I made a commitment at the beginning of the semester to visit a refugee family once a week.  Usually, we meet for about an hour or an hour and a half, talking and being friends.  However, this week we ended up staying for two and a half hours!  As we were driving home, I realized that there were so many things that I could have done in that time in order to please myself – such as studying for a test that I had the next day.  However, that time given away, which is usually so precious to me, made me remember that submission involves loving another person unconditionally.

            As I said before, I am extremely busy at this point in the semester.  Assignments are piling up that I have no idea when I will find time to complete them.  While working yesterday, a feeling of panic ensued as I started to list off everything that needed to be accomplished in such a short amount of time.  However, just as that moment came, I remembered the aspect of submission to God.  I am not my own; God is here all of the time.  Thinking about that more, I spent a couple seconds as still as possible and gave everything over to God.  And, it was freeing to be able to rely on God for strength rather than trying every means possible to get my own way and achieve something by myself.

            Be blessed this week, and I will be getting another post to you sometime next week!  Let the countdown to exams begin while still being open to the freedom that comes from submission.

Am I Alone?

             This week’s discipline focused on many aspects of solitude that I had never considered before.  Prior to reading the chapter on solitude by Richard Foster, I honestly thought that this would probably be the easiest discipline for me to follow and practice for a week.  In my mind, because I am a mega-introvert, I was almost excited to be able to spend more time alone and not have to really justify why I was alone all of the time.  In short, I thought that I was going to be the most successful at this discipline out of the whole host of other disciplines that I have practiced throughout this semester.  Golly gee, was I incorrect!

            Instead of solitude being about a place and lack of people, I learned that “solitude is more of a state of mind and heart” that “can be maintained at all times” (96).  The purpose of the discipline of solitude is not, to my chagrin, to escape from people and to have time to oneself.  Rather, it is a state of connection with God.  We are meant to withdraw in order to listen to God and the Truth that He puts into our hearts.  The rejuvenation that occurs after seeking solace in the solitude of God comes from spending time with him, instead of taking advantage of little moments to focus on rejuvenating yourself by trivial things, such as wasting time on the internet or turning off your brain by listening to music.  What I didn’t understand at first is that solitude is NOT about myself.  It is about God!

            To practice the discipline of solitude this week, I wanted to be very conscious of God, both when I was alone in my self-imposed solitary confinement and also while I was surrounded by people.  After reflecting back upon this week, I have to admit that I really didn’t throw everything I had into this discipline.  It was something that I would think about off and on, but surprisingly, I really failed at giving the time that I set aside for myself to God.  I actually did much better when I was around people by connecting with God and turning my attention to Him instead of to myself.  This probably is because I was at home, surrounded with people who I absolutely adore and who completely accept me for who I am as a person.

            When I am at home, it is not as easy for me to slink off to my room and get lost in a book.  I am drawn to my family, telling funny stories and just sitting with them.  It was in these moments that I connected with God and He showed me all of the blessings that He has bestowed upon me.  Solitude was also found in the very busy mall on Black Friday (I am NOT a fan of shopping – especially in a busy mall filled to the brim with people).  Usually, I will not really pay attention to the people around me, instead choosing to just shut down and follow my mother from store to store, waiting for the moment when we are back in the car and listening to Christmas Carols on the way home.  However, this time, I really paid attention to the people who were around me as I walked from store to store.  God really had to give me the strength to stay present and find a solitude that can only come from Him in a busy mall.

            Although I feel like I didn’t put as much effort as I should have into this week’s discipline, I found myself thinking about solitude and mulling it over a lot.  Maybe this week was just me being able to get a new, healthier perspective on solitude so that I can practice this discipline and understand it more.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone; I pray that you all have much for which to be thankful.  I know that I sure do!  Blessings.

Simplicity isn’t Simple

           What does it mean to live in simplicity?  According to Foster, simplicity is not only about the outward lifestyle of wearing clothes that are simple, rejecting items that could become addicting, and speaking truths all the time.  Instead, it is “an inward reality that results in an outward life-style” (79).  This means that simplicity can be looked at as a way of life all of the time.  It means constantly checking oneself to see how much a person is influenced by the values and trends of culture.  However, simplicity is NOT meant to be a map to the jolly fun times of asceticism.  Quite the opposite.  By practicing simplicity, we are meant to seek first the kingdom of God (inward practice) which will bring about the outward expressions mentioned above.

            For this week, my goal was to practice the inward reality of simplicity.  I wanted to rid myself of the anxiety that will cripple the inward life of simplicity.  In order to do this, I wanted to be convicted that my life is a gift by thinking of things that I am thankful for, know that God cares for and sustains me in every area of my life and the lives of others, and have a willingness to give of myself to others.  At first, I thought that this would be relatively easy.  However, as the days started to melt away because of the busyness of life, I would realize at different times that I didn’t really think that I was practicing the discipline of simplicity well.  You see, I am a person that enjoys having strict guidelines to follow, almost a checklist of sorts.  Instead, this week was more of a reflection upon my life and the active meditation upon my day to day life.  Without setting strict guidelines for myself, the discipline of simplicity was somewhat lost in the days that I attempted to practice it.

              Looking back at the past days, I have to realize that I didn’t totally fail in the area of practicing inward simplicity.  For example, at a Christmas party that I attended – I know, I know…WAY too early for those shindigs – I was overwhelmed with thankfulness at the family that God has provided for me.  God showed me His love and care in those moments by giving me a bigger perspective and glimpse into what community really looks like.  Another example is the reminder that I got every time I walked out my door.  On the other side of the hall, my dorm neighbors have a white board on their door that currently asks the question, “So what has God done for you today?”  People have been writing their responses to this question and these answers have been wonderful reminders to know that everything that I have is a gift.

            So far, this has been probably the most difficult disciplines for me to practice.  However, I did enjoy taking random times throughout my day by just thinking about how much God has blessed me and sustained me even in circumstances that I would not consider a joy.  I really learned a lot about how I continue to put things that are less important before God but, at the same time, how God continues to pursue me.  As it turns out, simplicity is not so simple after all!

Transformational Study

             When I first read the chapter on Study for this week’s discipline, I really felt like it was going to be something that was easy.  I mean, I am a college student.  Studying is a discipline that I have perfected throughout my fifteen years (oh. my. goodness.  I have been in school for FIFTEEN YEARS?!?) of education.  It is something that comes naturally to me and something that I actually enjoy doing and can find my identity in.  The concept of this discipline was comfortable.  I honestly didn’t really expect to get anything out of taking more time to study, either God’s word or the general revelation that He provides in the canvas of creation.

            The discipline of study is generally defined as really paying attention to God’s world.  This careful attention and analysis should cause our minds and thought patterns to form around what is dwelt upon the most.  Study, when done properly, involves five distinct things:  repetition, concentration, comprehension, reflection, and humility.  As I read this, it sounded very stiff and not freeing to bring me into further relationship with Christ.  However, after thinking about this discipline of study more, I realized that God doesn’t want us to just accept everything with blind faith.  As human beings, we are called and made to analyze and question and reflect upon the different aspects of this world.  This in itself can be an act of worship.

            In order to participate in the discipline of study, I felt the need to pick a particular passage of scripture that can sometimes be overlooked.  Throughout the day, I wanted to be able to quietly sit and reflect on this passage, really taking the time to concentrate on the words and reflect.  I chose Ephesians 4:1-16 –

            “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling that you have received.  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  There is one body and one Spirit – just as you were called to one hope when you were called – one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.  But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.  This is why it says:  ‘When he ascended on high, he led the captives in his train and gave gifts to men.’  (What does ‘he ascended’ mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions?  He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.)  It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.  Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”

            Overall, I feel like this discipline came at just the right time.  Although I did not read this passage as much as I would have liked, the times I did read during the day were filled with peace and hope.  Throughout the various times of reading these verses in Ephesians, I would notice something completely new about the passage that I had never really seen before.  Even as I just typed the passage out a few seconds ago, I noticed new things that struck me.  Isn’t it wonderful how God’s Word continues to prick us and leave impressions? 

            This passage has really made me think over the past couple of days about the unity of the Church and how we all need to find our place in it.  As the semester continues to race by, I am becoming more and more aware of how I really have no plans for my future.  When praying over this fact, I found myself drawn to the words of this Scripture and how it speaks about Christ being sovereign over all and giving different gifts to different people in order to foster unity in the Church.  It gave me huge comfort that, no matter what happens, God is Lord overall and in control.  This convicting thought then spills over into interactions with other people, hopefully creating a community that honors God above all else.

My Spiritual Story

           My spiritual story:  it sounds odd in a way.  Yes, I suppose that I must own it, as it is mine; but I can’t help mulling over the fact that all of our stories seem to connect in an inexplicable way.  I think that this is God telling us that we are never meant to truly be alone.  We are communal.  I hope that, in my story, you find an aspect of yourself or, even better, you see God’s grace in my story which will further prompt you to see Him in your own.  To God be the glory.

Childhood

            To say that I was shy as a child would be an understatement.  In the places where I was out of my element (so…everywhere but my house), I would begin to hysterically cry or become frozen in terror.  To my young mind, security was everything.  This meant that I was essentially a home body, completely comfortable only with my immediate family.  As the youngest child and the only girl, I strove to emulate my two older brothers by doing everything that they did:  exploring outside, playing video games, talking about Pokémon, and going to church and Sunday School every Sunday.  I actively took part in all of the crafts and loved listening to the Bible stories that the teacher would read and my dad would read to me every night before I went to bed.  To me, these stories symbolized quality, safe time with people who I knew and respected and were just stories.  Like I said earlier, my family was everything to me.  They, essentially, were the ones that pointed me towards God.  Childhood was a time of me learning all about God and really never truly understanding or taking ownership of this faith. 

            The first time that I really thought about giving my life and everything up for the Gospel occurred when I was ten years old.  My parents told me that my uncle and aunt and their five daughters had decided to move to Bolivia to minister to the orphaned children and spread God’s love.  This was the first time that I really recognized that there was a world outside of my circle of family, friends, and church.  From these family members’ voluntary move to another country, it made me curious about a God who had enough power to influence people to give up their safe and secure life and go to do His work.  From this one instance and many more, my passion for international work and awareness began.

Adolescence

            As I entered Middle School, I quickly discovered two things about myself.  The first was that I was a pretty good student, almost to the point of obsession.  I would spend hours doing homework and triple checking my work to see if it was correct.  If I didn’t get something right away, I was very hard on myself.  The other thing that I discovered was that I didn’t like myself very much.  I was insecure and would constantly compare myself to the other people in my class and find that I always somehow came up short.  But, God was faithful in that time.  He provided me with a group of friends which kept me sane throughout middle school, high school, and even today.  We were all so different and didn’t really know where we fit into the ruthlessness of public school.  I think that that is what kept us all as a group for so long.

            But, when I was away from the support system of friends and finally got through the busyness of being the perfect student, I would crawl into bed and cry night after night.  Although I had the security of my family and friends and even schoolwork, I would still feel alone.  Usually, I would blame this season of “moppyness” and depression as your typical hormones, but I really feel like it was God pursuing me in the loneliness that I had chosen.  As I would sit in bed, I would contemplate my salvation and death, sometimes longing for death in an unhealthy way.

            One night, I was just so sick of the life that I had been living and the loneliness that I was imposing upon myself.  I went downstairs and found my mom in the living room.  This in itself was unusual because my mother usually goes to bed at quite an early hour.  As I stood in the doorway, I was faced with a choice:  would I walk in and begin this step to change my life?  Or would I simply go back upstairs and try to figure life out for myself?  Needless to say, God gave me the courage to go to my mother and ask her to pray with me and accept the Holy Spirit to reside in me and give me a heart of flesh instead of a heart of stone.  Because of this experience, God has blessed me with an open and honest relationship with my parents, specifically my mom; something that I hear is rare when one has pre-teen and teenage daughters.  All at once, I felt this peace come upon me; this flitting feeling that I had been looking for.  However, it is important to realize that this feeling, at least in the way that I wanted it, was something that was temporary.

            After I had this “conversion experience,” I went through a period of bliss.  Everything was possible because of this relationship with God.  Then, reality happened.  The feeling of peace and assurance slowly went away, replaced again by feelings of insecurity and panic as the busyness of life started to set in.  School was getting more difficult, and I was beginning to feel the pressure of living up to the roles that my two brothers had played – they were both really smart and generally popular and I felt that I had to even raise the standard.  I then went through this phase of feeling alone again and then going to a middle school youth group or event that asked students if they wanted to give their lives to Christ or reaffirm their faith.  Every time that this would happen, I would always raise my hand and reaffirm my faith.  Looking back now, I guess I would say that I had some assurance issues.  Again, after reaffirming my faith, I would feel this sense of peace; then it would “leave” a short while later.  These assurance issues still come and go even now at times; I think that it is because I long to feel like I am in a relationship with God and still haven’t quite figured out how to really enter in.  Any thoughts or advice on this would be wonderful!

            As I entered high school, I was thrust into an environment that wasn’t familiar.  Once again, I was a very small fish in a relatively large, public school pond.  Amazingly, I adjusted relatively well for a person who really didn’t like change and still felt insecure.  Then, two things happened relatively around the same time.  The first was that a person that I respected and was a leader stumbled in his life.  The ensuing chaos in my community made me realize the power of sin and the destructive path that it can take.  The second, and more important event in my spiritual walk, was the death one of the friends that my brothers and I had grown up with.  This young man was only twenty years old when he died.  It was during that time that I really began to wrestle with God; it was then when I really knew it was alright to ask God the big questions of life as I watched a family that I was close to being torn apart by grief and their own questions.  One of the first places that I remember going to when I got my license was to this young man’s grave.  I sat there in that cemetery and really engaged in the discipline of meditation…my professor of this course would be so dang proud!  Eventually, I began to let the bitter thought and angry phrases to God go, replacing them with the small assurances that God was listening and that I could trust Him.  I’d have to say that it was during this time when I really chose to be “all in” for God.  Later that year, I made profession of faith and really felt like an active participant in the Body of Christ.

Young Adulthood

            In my spiritual journey, it seems like just as I feel confident of my faith in God, something comes along to keep me very humble and broken, crying out to God.  This cycle has been really evident to me throughout the years that I have spent in college.  College has been a huge blessing to me in seeing evidence of God’s faithfulness throughout the classes that I have taken and the wonderful testimonies from the people that I have met.  However, college has also pointed out some major issues that I face in my own life.  For example, I have always been a person that has liked to know exactly what is going on.  In short, I liked to be in control of my life.  When I don’t feel in control, I struggle with almost crippling amounts of anxiety.  This semester especially, God has pointed out this weakness in myself and has sent me different people and situations to show that He is actually the One in control.

            As I look back on my life, it is so easy to dwell on all of the failures and mistakes that I have made in my walk with Christ.  However, Paul tells us in Romans 3 that there is righteousness from God that “comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”  If that doesn’t sound beautiful, what does?

*******

Hunger Pangs…Finding Joy in Fasting

           From the snappy title above (yes…it did take me a long time to think of the title), I’m sure that people have realized that this week’s discipline was about the art of fasting.  After reading the chapter on fasting, I realized that this is something that would probably be “easier” to do than the other disciplines that I have been practicing as a result of taking the class of Spiritual Formation.  It should be “easy” in the fact that I would be reminded constantly while I was fasting to be engaged in thoughts of God.  It turns out that fasting is more difficult than I thought it would be.

            For those of you who do not really have a clear understanding of what the definition and purpose of fasting is don’t worry.  You are in wonderful company with me!  At the start of this exercise, and even now as I write this blog, I really had no idea why I would allow myself to take a break from anything, much less the sustenance that I need to get me through my day.  Fasting, according to Scripture, is defined as “abstaining from all food” with “spiritual purposes” always in mind (49).  Usually, fasting is a personal choice in order to develop a closer relationship between the person fasting and God.  However, fasting can also include group fasts (50).  For this week, I chose to do a personal fast which would last for a little over twenty four hours.  This meant that I would miss a total of three meals by choice, something that I had never really done before.

You know...just craving a burger.

            After eating lunch on Sunday, I set off to do the work that had been neglected due to a class trip.  As the hours passed by, I found myself constantly thinking about snacking and seriously considering stopping the fast and purposefully failing this assignment.  I know, pathetic right?  But, come on, who doesn’t want to pig out while they are working on homework?!?  Don’t judge me!  All in all, the first night was rough.  Instead of going to dinner, I steadily worked through, not even stopping to consider the fact that I told myself that I would use the times that I was hungry to pray and spend time in the Word.  Right before bed, it hit me that I was going about fasting in the incorrect way.  I was not meant to use this time to get ahead in my work; I was meant to spend this time in conversation with God and in reflection and meditation.

            The next morning, I made a promise to myself that I would spend the time that I would usually eat breakfast and lunch in prayer and devotions.  As the day crept by, I found myself, like the day before, constantly thinking about food and worrying about my growling stomach throughout class.  I also found that I became tired easily.  However, I also looked forward to taking a time out of my busy Monday and refocusing on God.  When lunch time rolled around, I fought the crowd going to lunch and instead went up to my dorm room and spent time in prayer, praise, and devotions.  Although this time didn’t make the hunger pangs go away, I liked the constant reminders to say small prayers to God and feel refreshed, not by the food that I was consuming, but by the Word of God.

            As I meditated over my time of fasting, I realized that my time of fasting had consequences that I hadn’t really thought about.  Skipping lunch to spend time with God had the consequence of me not being able to practice intentional community with the people that I attend college with.  You see, meal times are a very important part of being here at Kuyper.  It is where all of the students, staff, and faculty really get to know one another and memories are made.  However, I had to remove myself from that atmosphere, although it is one that I love, in order to really connect with God and gain the energy to continue with my day. 

            When I first began to think about fasting, I was a little bit nervous because I had never really thought about it or tried to fast before.  However, it actually taught me that many things can be given up in order for God to connect with His children.  God used the time that I had set apart to really focus on Him and find joy in His word and love for me.